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Nona
Wales, UK
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Last night my boyfriend decided he wanted to sleep at his own house instead of at mine. I don't mind, i like having time off and he's here all the time usually - but because he's clingy usually i'm wondering why he's acting out of character. Sometimes I think he hates me, but he gets sad so its hard for him to see clearly and not get upset with me. This is my first serious relationship.
Going back in time i'd have massive crushes and then suddenly everything they did would annoy me - thrill of the chase i guess, but remember that feeling when you were a teeneager and got a crush?
At school I was a bit shy and a bit awkward, nobody seems to believe that now but i spent years trying to think of things to say and years trying not to be noticed. Which was difficult - i cut myself quietly and made myself sick -now i'm super normal and i never talk about the sadness because theres loads of other people who do that already and who wants to compare misery? not me.
I was the only kid who lived in a council house, my family didnt have a car or money and i was ashamed. My family is tiny, me and my mum and my sister, and none of us ever all get along at the same time - right now i'm speaking with my mum but not my sister and i don't know if my sister and ny mum are talking cos neither my mum or me ever br
When I was fifteen I went into care. I lived with a foster parents who made us eat seperate food from the stuff they and their kids had, and four of us had to share the attic bedroom with no heating. Looking back it seems ridiculous - i remember being made to fight another foster girl in the back garden to settle an argument, i felt humililated.Another time my foster dad came up to me and asked if i was upset that my grandmother had just died, or if i "didn't really give a fuck". Years later that still bothers me.
Before that, things had gotten really bad at home - since i was little i had ben scared to go home because my mother got so angry and violent. I remeber trying to run away from her and being terrified, I remember locking myself in the bathroom and it just made her even more angry. I don't see how anybody could scare a child like that and i hope i never do. But my mother had bad depression i think, like her mother had, so it must have been hard for her too.
Skipping forward again, I went to university and loved it. Well, the course sucked (who'd want to be a dentist?!) but i had a brilliant time - we went out all the time and i had loads of friends and we did loads of crazy fun stuff.
I spent a summer in Virginia working with disabled people.It was the best time of my life. I loved the warm summer nights and the huge countryside. I made friends there too that i still love.
By the time I got around to changing courses all my friends were leaving uni, so this time around being a student has been different - i'm older than the other people in my classes, and being away from home and getting drunk isn't the novelty it was. I've got less friends here but I like spending time on my own more.
I'm in my final year now and everything was going well but this christmas my housemate died in a fire when he got drunk and fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand. The same week that happened I found out I was pregnant and soon after my boyfriend and I had a massive argument and split up. The abortion was awful, the poor baby inside trusted me and having death so close was horrible.
I couldn't sleep for crying and couldn't think of anything else. The head of my school refused to give me an extension because he didn't think i deserved one. When he said that I was too shocked to say anything but now i'm angry at him and hurt that he thought it wouldn't affect me.
When i was really little people used to stop my mother in the street to compliment my eyes. I did modelling once but i hated having people look at me. I used to love climbing trees and scraping my elbows and getting dirty.
I read a lot and loved to draw, princess dresses mostly! i was always really not to waste my paper and pens and i've still got stickers from when i was little that i never used cos then 'they'd be used up'. Now i think i'm the oppossite - i never have any money but i love shopping so my credit card bill is huge. I used to be known as sensible- 'quietly conscientious' came up a lot in report cards. 'unreliable' would probably be more apt now - lucky for me noone writes report cards on me anymore! (except maybe my boyfriend in his head)we got back together after the abortion, its better now but more fragile, i worry more.I'm not sure what i can do to make everything better but who knows whats going to happen?i don't think its up to me...
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