ASSIGNMENTS:
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Renee B.
Roanoke, Virginia USA
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REPORTS:
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At my funeral, I would like there to be a three-piece bluegrass band (banjo, fiddle, guitar) and cake should be served. There will be three kinds of cake: German Chocolate, Boston Cream, and Pinapple Upside-down. My remains won't be present but there will be a little photo album with pictures from favorite moments of my life. There will be felt-tipped pens and people can write captions beneath the photographs.
I would like to be cremated along with my favorite stuffed animal: Moe the Otter. Our ashes will be divided into four equal parts and assigned to four trusted friends and/or family members. (Note that the four journeys should be undertaken as simultaneously as possible).
Portion number one will go to Disneyland. Friend/family member number one will carry the ashes onto the "Peter Pan's Flight" ride and sprinkle them in small increments throughout the duration of the ride. Portion number two will go to London, England. Friend/family member number two must take my ashes to a play, preferrably at Shakespeare's Globe. I will have my own seat. Afterward, he/she must take my ashes on a walk along the South Bank stopping at the Founder's Arms pub for a drink. Friend/family member number two must buy one person in the pub a drink and specify that it is from me. Then my ashes should be sprinkled in the Thames from the Hungerford Footbridge.
Portion number three will go to Laugharne, Wales. A drink at the Three Mariner's pub (same procedure as above), then to St. Martin's churchyard. Dig a very small hole next to the grave of Dylan Thomas. Pour the ashes in. Fill in the hole and place a small stone over it that has these words written on it: "This is me, not going gently. -- Renee."
The fourth portion of ashes should go somewhere I've never been but have always wanted to visit. Some suggestions are: St. Petersburg, Russia; Fairbanks, Alaska; Venice, Italy; Prince Edward Island. Each time my ashes are disposed of, the friend/family members should play Taps on the kazoo.
Alternative method (in the case that I am still poor by the time I die and can not afford these proceedings): separate the ashes into four separate parts as before. Airmail them to people selected at random from the phonebooks of the cities: Anaheim, California; London, England; Laugharne, Wales; and St. Petersburg, Russia. Make sure to choose people with nice sounding names who are centrally located in the city. Send them the instructions handprinted on a notecard along with a kazoo. Do not include a return address on the package.
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